Finding the Faith of My Childhood 

by Collen Mayer 

As I sat in the auditorium and watched the preacher give his message I was amazed at the boldness and conviction with which he preached.  He confidently proclaimed Christ’s message like I had never heard before, and I was loving it.  This was quite different from anything I had ever been to in a Catholic Church.  Though I was Catholic and the majority of the other people at the meeting were Protestant, I was assured by my friend that this was a “non-denominational” service, where all beliefs were welcomed - all that mattered was that you believed in Christ.  This non-denominational idea excited me - “Maybe this was what Christ intended when he spoke of a universal Church,” I thought… 

Off to College 

I grew up as a “cradle” Catholic, very proud of my faith.  I attended Catholic schools for 12 years, and was active in a high school youth group and Church music group.  Ever since my Confirmation in eighth grade, I was determined to follow Christ wherever he led me, and in high school I did just that.  My time spent in my high school youth group was, and will always be, extremely valuable to me - it was where I first learned what discipleship meant, what it meant to truly love God and my brothers and sisters in Christ, and the importance of giving God my very best in everything: social, school, Church - absolutely everything. 

Going off to college, I had high hopes for myself and my faith.  I knew God was going to use me in a mighty way, and I was set on living out my faith boldly in my new college environment. 

Starting college I had hoped to get involved with a good Catholic college group, but I wasn’t able to find any that I fit into.  I did have many non-Catholic friends at my school though, and many of them invited me to some “non-denominational” groups for college students in my area.   I thought that this sounded like fun so I began attending a few of them on a regular basis. 

To say that I was amazed after going to the first few meetings of one of these particular groups would be an understatement.  The Christians there had a true passion for Christ; they worshiped Him with all their hearts and souls, in spirit and in truth.  I felt like I had found a “home” for the first time in college among believers who wanted to follow Christ just like I did.  Equally amazing was the dramatic preaching that I heard - I was really challenged in my relationship with Jesus and in my prayer life.  So far all this was very positive; I was meeting new friends and growing in my faith. 

Questions with No Answers 

As I got more and more involved in these groups (including leading worship at one), I met many new people.  Eventually some learned I was Catholic (I had never actually hid the fact but may have been a little embarrassed about it, being one of the only Catholics in the groups), and they began to question me about it.  In fact I began getting questions that I couldn’t answer.  My friends asked me questions such as “Why do you believe Mary was without sin?” and “What is the deal with people having to go to Purgatory?”  These questions did throw me for a loop, but I wasn’t too worried at this point.   

Then, I’ll never forget the day someone came up to me and said, “Hey let me ask you something.  If you died tonight are you sure you’d go to heaven?”  I thought this was a very strange question to ask - I confusedly said, “Well, yeah.  I believe in God and try to live a good life and love everyone.”  He apparently didn’t like my answer too much - especially the part about “living a good life”.  He explained to me (with a Scripture text from Romans, I think) that living a good life had nothing to do with whether I get to heaven or not.  He then told me I needed to receive Christ into my life by saying a certain prayer he had in a book called The Four Spiritual Laws (known as the “sinner’s prayer”).  I tried to explain to him that Christ was in my life and that I was fully committed to Him, but he insisted that if I didn’t say this prayer then I had never truly “received” Him.  I remember thinking that it was strange for him to imply that I wasn’t going to heaven because I had never said a made-up prayer in his pamphlet.  I knew very little about the Bible at this point in my faith journey, but I did know that Jesus never mentioned this sinner’s prayer as a necessity for salvation.  I walked off (without saying his prayer) not quite knowing what had happened or what I should have said to him.   

People from these groups continued to challenge me with questions.  The topics ranged from the sacraments, to Mary, to the pope; the list went on and on.  Since I grew up in Catholic schools I did have a few textbook answers to these questions, but my knowledge was not nearly sufficient to respond to the many issues that were brought up.  Again and again my friends were bringing me Bible verses that seemed to directly contradict my beliefs as a Catholic.  Since I knew very little about the Bible, I couldn’t really respond to their arguments.  All I knew was that I did believe that the Bible was true and inerrant and so whatever I believed had to agree with it.   

In the midst of my struggling over all the issues, there were two that were giving me the most trouble.  The first was the question of what one had to do to be “saved.”  I had never encountered this issue in my time at Catholic schools, but it seemed to be a central one in these non-denominational Protestant groups (it was at this point that I learned that “non-denominational” really meant a certain type of Protestant denomination - that was why as a Catholic they kept challenging my beliefs).  I was told that the Catholic Church believes that salvation must be earned by doing good things.  Now I didn’t know any better, but this seemed accurate to me since the Catholic Church does put a strong emphasis on helping the poor and loving one’s neighbor.  Then they would show me texts such as Ephesians 2:8-9 which says that our salvation is a free gift from God, not by works (very few ever read me the following verse, Ephesians 2:10, which says that we are God’s handiwork created to do good works).  Soon I was firmly convinced that the Catholic Church had simply gotten this issue wrong - the idea of earning one’s salvation seemed absurd, and I was not going to be part of any “denomination” which taught this. 

The second idea that seemed equally weird to me was eating Jesus’ body and blood.  I knew the one Bible story read at Communion where Jesus told us to eat His body and drink His blood (Matthew 26:26-29, also Mark 14:22-26 and Luke 22:14-20), but I reasoned that this was surely symbolic.  I knew Jesus often spoke in symbols - He called Himself the vine and us the branches; He called Himself a door to heaven; He called Himself the good shepherd.  Therefore I saw no reason to think He would be talking literally when he told us to do something as strange as to eat His body and drink His blood.   

Well, by now I knew I was in trouble.  I knew that the central part of the Catholic faith was the Eucharist - if I couldn’t believe this anymore then I could hardly call myself a Catholic.  At this point I did what any intelligent college student would have done in my position…. I panicked.   

This was a quite difficult position to be in - doubting the faith which I had held for 18 years.  If you’ve never experienced such doubt it’s quite a lonely feeling.  Still, I committed way back at my Confirmation time (which was eighth grade for me) to follow Christ wherever He led me, and it appeared He was leading me away from the faith of my childhood, the Catholic Church.  My doubts were so great that I actually set up meetings with several Protestant pastors from different churches to discuss the issues with them.  Still, all I could do was pray for guidance - I promised God that if he led me to the truth I would follow, no matter how difficult it might be.

Searching for Truth 

At this point I stepped back from everything.  I knew I couldn’t remain Catholic just because my family and childhood friends were, and I knew I wasn’t going to join a Protestant denomination without getting all the facts, either.  I decided to more or less start from scratch.  I began doing an incredible amount of reading.  I read Catholic stuff, anti-Catholic stuff, Protestant stuff - anything I could get my hands on.  

One of the most important articles I obtained was a debate on the papacy.  It was between a well-known anti-Catholic apologist and a theologian who had just recently converted to the Catholic Church.  As soon as I looked at the subject matter of the debate I was sure that the article would serve to confirm my growing anti-Catholic sentiment - I mean, the doctrine of the pope and infallibility was certainly ridiculous (so I thought), not to mention the apparent mismatch between this well-known anti-Catholic (with over 10 published books) and this Catholic theologian.   

Man was I ever wrong… 

Every point that was brought up against the papacy, the Catholic theologian had an answer for.  He clearly explained how the Holy Spirit works in and through the Church in the same way he worked through the biblical writers.   He explained the importance of Peter’s profession of faith and Jesus’ promise to build His Church on Peter and to give him the keys to heaven (Matthew 16:16-19).  I read in amazement as the whole idea of the pope was explained clearly and scripturally. Much to my surprise, the papacy was not some made up idea by a few Catholics who wanted power.  It was an office founded by Jesus on the rock of Peter and his faith; I could have confidence in the authority of the pope because God promised to leave His spirit with him as he shepherded the Church. 

Now of course the papacy was simply one of many issues I had with Catholicism. But I did notice on the website on which I found the papacy debate that the email addresses of the Catholic theologian was given.  In my quest for answers I decided to send him an email with some of the questions on Catholicism that I had. I didn’t really expect a response, but I figured it was worth a try.  Much to my surprise the theologian emailed me back, and said he would be more than willing to help answer my questions.   

Finally Finding the Truth 

I suppose over the next month or so I sent him over 20 questions on issues regarding Mary, the saints, the sacraments, evangelism… you name it, I asked it.  And with each and every question I sent he responded with concise, clear answers defending the Church’s position.  For the first time in my life, each and every Church teaching I had doubted began to make sense.  How amazed I was that the Church’s teachings weren’t arbitrary and unbiblical; they were teachings based on 2000 years of apostolic tradition that were consistent with the Bible and with good reasoning. 

As I mentioned above, one of the biggest struggles I had was with the idea of our works and acts of charity somehow earning our salvation. As I continued to study this matter, I began to see that Church doesn’t teach, and has never taught, that salvation can be earned.  In fact, the Catholic Church teaches just the opposite.  The Church teaches that salvation is by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9 mentioned earlier).  By definition grace is something that we don’t deserve and could never earn.  Grace is a free gift from God of Himself to us - we could never earn this by our works or by our faith; the only way it was possible for God to give Himself to us as sinners was to send His only Son to die on the cross for us… and He loved us enough to do just that.   

And there is still a second part to this idea of salvation by grace.  As with any gift it must be accepted to do any good.  If someone brings me a package with a thousand dollars in it, but I never accept the gift, or even worse, if I reject the gift, then it doesn’t do me any good.  The same is true with grace - this is where our faith and acts of love come in.  We accept God’s free gift of Himself through faith - but not just an intellectual faith.  Our faith must an active faith that continually works itself out in acts of charity.  In fact, James tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:17).  As God continues to give us His grace, this free gift of Himself to us, we are able persist and increase in our faith and in our charity towards others; we are able to become more and more like Him.  Paul tells us that as Christians it is no longer we who live but God who lives in us (Gal. 2:20)!  In other words, all of the good works that we do are really God doing them through us.  After I realized this, I saw that the Catholic Church, more than any Protestant denomination, truly teaches that salvation is one hundred percent, totally a free gift from God that we just have to accept for ourselves through faith, hope, and love. 

Next, there was still that rather strange notion of eating Jesus’ body and drinking His blood. I had felt sure that Jesus must have been speaking symbolically when He spoke at the Last Supper of eating His body and blood.  But I soon found out that there are many, many scripture passages where Jesus tells us that the Eucharist is really His body and blood - not just the one read in Mass about the Last Supper.  In John 6 Jesus leaves no doubt about this, as He says very clearly that “my flesh is true food and my blood is true drink”.  I found out that in Paul’s first epistle to the Corinthians (written several years before the first gospel), he told the early Christians the exact same thing (1 Cor. 11:23-26).  I was so surprised to learn that the Bible actually teaches over and over again that Jesus literally gives us His body and blood in the Eucharistic. 

Another important discovery came out of my study of the Eucharist. I learned the role of Tradition in the Catholic Church.  You see, I soon found out that all the earliest Christians believed that the bread and wine shared at the Last Supper was the body and blood of Christ.  We have many, many writings from Christians, some of whom were actually taught by the apostles, who speak of the Eucharist as Christ’s flesh and blood.  From this, I finally came to understand what the Church meant by interpreting the Bible in light of Tradition.  I used to think that when the Church mentioned Tradition it was talking about legalistic traditions made up by men; the kind that Jesus discourages against in Mark’s gospel (Mark 7:13).  I later found out that the tradition the Church speaks of is apostolic Tradition, a very biblical notion.  In fact, Paul urges us in his epistles to stand firm and hold to the traditions he and the other apostles taught both by letter (which is much of our modern New Testament) AND by word of mouth (2 Thes 2:15).  In other words, Paul didn’t write everything we need to know down in letters - much of his teaching was passed by word of mouth to the early Christians.  Paul was urging these Christians to remember what he taught them and to pass it down to their followers with the help of the Holy Spirit (1 Tim 1:13-14, 2:2).  Much of what the Catholic Church teaches was passed down orally from the apostles to us today - especially the Church’s teaching about the Eucharist.  We believe that the bread and wine we offer at Mass is the body and blood of Christ because the Bible says it is AND because this is what the apostles taught the earliest Christians.  The Church is still teaching the same thing regarding Holy Communion that the apostles taught 2000 years ago! 

By the time I worked through these issues I was fairly convinced that the Catholic Church had gotten almost everything right, but there was still one that just didn’t make sense to me, and that was the Church’s teachings on Mary.  I wondered why the Church made such a big deal out of her.  She never considered herself to be anything amazing - in the bible she calls herself a mere “handmaid of the Lord”(Luke 1:38).  I wondered why the Church venerates and honors such a lowly woman like Mary. 

I soon learned that it was just because of Mary’s humility that she is so important; it was because she was a handmaid of the Lord that God honored her with the richest blessings ever given to a human.  Mary is in no way a goddess or equal with Jesus.  Mary was still a creature created by God who needed of a savior.  You see, Christ died on the cross for all the sins, past, present, and future, of all of humanity including Mary; it was only because of Christ’s death on the cross that God was able to keep Mary from sin from the moment of her conception.   

Everything that Mary was, we are called to be also.  Mary played a part in redeeming the world by bearing the Son of God; we also play a part in redeeming the world by spreading the Christian message and letting God work through us as “handmaids of the Lord”.  Mary continues to remind us to do whatever Jesus asks of us, just as she did before Jesus’ first miracle at Cana (John 2:5). The blessings that God gave to Mary are nothing more than what we all hope to receive one day.   God, by grace, kept Mary free from sin; one day soon we will also be freed from all sin as we go to meet our Creator.  Mary’s body was assumed into heaven; one day our bodies will also be brought into heaven to be reunited with our souls.   We shall one day be pure and immaculate just like Mary.   

Thus, those who argue that Jesus would not do these things for His mother have a problem to face, because as Christians we believe that Jesus is going to do these exact same things for us. Should we be surprised that He would honor His mother by giving her these blessings in advance?  I soon realized that God had intended for Mary to play a very important role in our faith.  On the cross Jesus gave Mary to the Beloved Disciple saying “this is your mother” (John 19:26-27); this was also meant for all of us who love Jesus: He gave us Mary to be our mother as well.   

Catholic to Stay 

After I had worked and prayed through all these issues, I had nothing left to do but humbly recommit myself to the Catholic Church.  I’ll never forget the wonderful feeling I had going up to receive Communion after my struggle had ended, and for the first time truly understanding what it meant to receive Jesus through the sacrament of Holy Communion.  I knew then that this was the true culmination of my personal relationship with Jesus, which I so greatly valued; receiving His very body and blood was the truest way of becoming intimately close to Jesus.   

I do still come across issues in Catholicism that are confusing to me, and even some that I just don’t get.  But I’ve come to learn that this is okay.  Now instead of panicking I confidently seek the answers to my questions by utilizing the resources available to me (e.g., my pastor, the Catechism of the Catholic Church, Catholic websites, etc.). 

I also must point out that I never abandoned the things I learned in the Protestant groups I was involved in.  I now make scripture reading a top priority every day.  These groups taught me the importance of having a personal devotion time to keep myself focused on Christ throughout the day.  I learned through these groups the importance of sharing my faith with others; though I have since learned that the most effective way to share one’s faith is not by coercion and pressure, but by following the advice of St. Francis: “Preach the Gospel to everyone you meet… if necessary use words.”   

I now see that my experience with these Protestant groups was an integral part of God’s plan to help me learn more about my own faith.  I now do youth ministry at my Catholic Church, including teaching a weekly Bible Study and Sunday school class. I am now able to pass on to my high school students all that I learned through my study of Catholicism.  My hunger for learning about the faith has yet to die down; I still read every book on Scripture, Apologetics, and Catholic doctrine that I can get my hands on.  I say all this to simply acknowledge God’s sovereignty through my entire journey - He used my struggles to get me to the point where He could truly use me as His servant in the Catholic Church.